Marriage, Unhappiness and the Gospel

"Pastor Tim, I don't know if I can do this anymore."

I have heard something like this many times from frustrated, exhausted, discouraged, fearful spouses that were looking for help with their marriage. There are times of tension, pain or conflict in our marriages when we conclude that marriage is too difficult, too complex or too frustrating. How often have we been inclined to think, either over a long period of time or in a moment of despair, that marriage isn't worth the effort? And how often have we left our spouse - perhaps not literally, but certainly emotionally and relationally? Space doesn't permit me to describe examples of this, but there are many.

I have been thinking about a difficult but true reality: no two people are compatible for marriage. That reality can be rather discouraging for someone like me, who spends significant amounts of time presumably helping engaged couples prepare for marriage. But I believe it is true for this reason: Any two people who enter into the marriage covenant are spiritually broken by sin. This ultimately means that two fundamentally self-centered people choose to live in a relationship that fundamentally depends on selflessness in order to succeed. We can talk about personality-compatibility, gifts and abilities-compatibility and even goals and dreams-compatibility.  We can say a couple "looks cute together, were made for each other and belong together." But when it comes to the most critical aspect required for a marriage relationship to thrive, namely, selflessness, all of us bring just the opposite to our marriages.

When I meet with an engaged couple who are looking for some help (what we have come to formally call "premarital counseling"), I have some foundational beliefs always bouncing around in my head. One of them sounds something like this: "These two aren't ready for marriage until they understand and begin to embrace the idea that they are marrying for the other person's good, not their own." Really, that's just another way of saying that a man and woman shouldn't get married unless they are committed to loving each other. The problem is that every engaged couple says they love each other, but sometimes have very little idea of what love truly is.

Self-centeredness is a deadly cancer to marriage and every marriage, by virtue of human beings being involved, is diseased. Not a happy thought...

In our modern times, self-centeredness in marriage is most prominently expressed in what one author calls, "almost cosmically impossible expectations." As a pastor and a counselor, I have witnessed and been in the midst of the sad stories of troubled and failed marriages. One of the most destructive and insidious expectations unhappy married people have goes something like this: "If I find my one, true soul mate, that one person who truly understands and appreciates me, then everything that is wrong with me will be healed and I will be truly happy." Do you hear the dangerous and destructive belief and expectation in that statement? This belief makes the lover out to be God and there is no human being that can live up to that. That is why I keep another foundational principle in mind when working with engaged couples: "You're not ready to be married if you are looking to your partner to fulfill deep and personal needs, rather than depending on God." This is crucial because it helps me and the couple assess the issue of dependency. Before sin, we were dependent creatures. Because of sin, we are all dependent creatures. The question is, on who or what am I depending? In the realm of marriage, far too often we choose to be dependent on our spouses to meet our deepest, often most self-centered needs and desires - cosmically impossible expectations. This places immense pressure on them and demands of them something they can never fulfill. It also creates significant conflict and pain for, when my spouse fails to meet my expectations, I am affected emotionally, and when I am affected emotionally, I will do something to deal with, to cope with, to escape my negative, painful emotions. I might express anger with harsh, insulting language; I might inflict pain by withdrawing; or, I might soothe myself by doing something helpful for me but hurtful to my spouse. And now, not only have my expectations not been met, but the relationship is strained at best, and destroyed at worst. I begin to believe the lie that marriage is not good, that it is too difficult, that it is not worth the trouble. And I put more distance between me and my spouse.

So, is it true? Is marriage not worth the trouble? If selfishness is so destructive to marriage, should we simply give up and just co-exist and survive but never truly thrive in our marriages?

I hope not. More than that, I refuse to believe the lie that marriage is not good, that it is too difficult, that it is not worth the trouble. Rather, I choose to believe that we were made for marriage and that marriage was made for us. But along with every other aspect of life, marriage has been broken by sin. Marriage isn't the problem; we are the problem. If we are the problem, what is the solution? If our self-centeredness, expressed in impossible-to-meet expectations is what brings pain and destruction into our marriages, what has the power to break down our self-centeredness? What will enable our marriages to thrive? The answer in a word: gospel.

Look at what the apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:31: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." He quoted God's Word from Genesis 2 when marriage was established by God. But where is the gospel in that? What does the gospel have to do with marriage? Read what Paul said next: "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." Christ and the church. What do we know about Christ and the church? What was Paul referring to when he said the mystery of marriage is connected to Christ and the church? Here is what he said about that in Ephesians 5:25: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Did you see it? Do you see the mystery of marriage revealed? It is the gospel! Our marriages can thrive when we see them through the reality of the gospel. The cure for the disease of self-centeredness is sacrifice - giving ourselves up for each other. Author Tim Keller wrote, "Marriage works to the degree that it follows the pattern of God's self-giving love in Christ."

If we want our marriages to thrive, we must begin with the gospel. Rather than placing impossible expectations on my spouse, I must choose to live with her selflessly. I can do this because I am forgiven by God through Jesus and all my needs are met in him. Believing this, I now have the power to thrive in my marriage by sacrificing for the sake of my spouse. Additionally, I also have the pattern to follow in the person of Jesus. I know what sacrifice looks like because Jesus gave himself for me. Of course, Jesus wasn't married, so I can't replicate what he did for his wife. But by following his example of selflessness, I can come up with some specific ideas for both husbands and wives. It might look like a husband who loves his wife by giving her preferential treatment in the everyday things of life like opening doors for her, helping with household tasks and offering to do errands for her. It might look like a wife who loves her husband by joyfully bearing with his sometimes frustrating but petty faults. It might look like a husband who tirelessly cares for his wife through a debilitating illness. It might look like a wife who patiently and gently points out her husband's weaknesses and offers to help him.

The list is endless, but two married people committed to loving each other in light of the gospel will serve and sacrifice for each other, relying on the power and pattern of Jesus for their mutual good, for God's glory and for the sake of a world that desperately needs to see true love.

From Andree Seu, March 2013

I recently listened to experts (that is, people who have written a book) on a radio program discussing how those in their 20s should live their lives. (I am regularly amused by the “bold” discoveries made by liberal social behavioral academics. What they are actually doing is taking the currents of culture that are already in the ascendency and speak with bravado about them, as if they were saying something professionally daring.)

One sapient comment made was that one’s 20s are not for forming committed relationships but for discovering who one is and fulfilling one’s potential.

“Discovering who one is” is as old as the hills, the recycling of the hippie generation’s “Finding oneself.” Many a scoundrel has gotten away with a marital “seven year itch” under the noble sounding excuse of “finding oneself”: “It’s not you, honey, I just need to find myself.”

But what struck me in the radio discussion was the utter lack of examination of the proposition that the way to “discover who one is” and the way to “fulfill one’s potential” is do to it alone, outside of a relationship. What exactly are we supposed to envision as going on here? What are the mechanics of this growth? Show me what it looks like to “discover who you are” in abstraction from relationship, and I will show you what it looks like to discover who you are in the context of relationship.

I find that it is in relationship, and not in sequester from it, that I learn “who I am.” I once thought I was a pretty good person until I got into a relationship. When I got married in 1980, I was going to be the best wife who ever lived. It wasn’t long before I found out what awful things I was capable of.

As for “fulfilling one’s potential” before getting into a committed relationship, please define for me what you mean by the terms. What “potential” are you talking about? Evidently it’s not the potential to love and work through interpersonal problems. What “fulfillment” are you talking about? I guess the presumption in the statement is that being a good husband or wife is chopped liver compared to the “fulfillment” of being a CEO.

Many of us have found that we didn’t even begin to “find ourselves” or “fulfill our potential” until we had someone other than ourselves to think about all day long.